An unspeakable Eldritch horror from the depths of aeons and untouched by mortal creatures funneled her disapproval over Melania Trump’s snakeskin stilettos yesterday into an article for Vogue magazine.
A bone-chilling digital howl rippled across the Internet as the powder-faced Gargantua calling itself Lynn Yaeger lurched over to the keyboard to unleash hellfire on the First Lady.
“Oh, Melania,” Lynn Yaeger curdled. “In the words of the late, great Lou Reed, you ‘couldn’t hit it sideways,’” after accusing the White House of failing to “understand optics.”
The brute in a red wig-like cap, black lipstick, and frayed, tattered rags seized on footage of the graceful First Lady as she boarded Air Force One for a visit to flood-ravaged Texas.
“This morning, Mrs. Trump boarded Air Force One wearing a pair of towering pointy-toed snakeskin heels better suited to a shopping afternoon on Madison Avenue or a girls’ luncheon at La Grenouille,” Lynn Yaeger–who hails from a beneath-the-floorboards, cannibalistic tribe of journalists known as Contributing Fashion Editors at Vogue– howled.
In her article, Lynn Yaeger stayed untied when told by a spokesperson that Melania had a change of shoes awaiting her on the aircraft. When the Fist Lady did de-plane in Texas she was caught on camera wearing sensible sneakers.
“But what kind of message does a fly-in visit from a First Lady in sky-high stilettos send to those suffering the enormous hardship, the devastation of this natural disaster?” the creature said, leaving lots of people to doubt she had not been turned down at the high school prom by the ugly fish-God Dagon her career might have turned out different.